I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
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4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”