I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
My favorite farside!!
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.