We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
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Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”