No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always