You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
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So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.