If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
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*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
What the hell is going on?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
The best shot in the history of golf
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.