I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
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I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.