Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
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[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon