Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
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Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”