The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
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I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
what are they serving at kfc then???
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.