Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
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Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?