me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
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*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
hey, alexa
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.