Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
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[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
British people be like I’m Bri ish
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes