[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
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If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.