Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
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I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
my mind
You just read my mind
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
My last name is Zilla.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.