My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
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ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
next question.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck