My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.