Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
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When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
listen closely
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.