To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
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being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse