[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
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I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline