If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
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I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.