That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
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[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.