Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
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Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.