Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
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Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet