Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
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[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Introverted vegans go meetless
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Fights fire with marshmallows
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew