[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
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For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares