She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
You Might Also Like
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Autocarrot sucks!
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.