My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Mood.. 😂
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
This is amazing.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that