*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
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*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.