Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
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“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.