‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
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Always…
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My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.