Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
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Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.