So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
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Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day