If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
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i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.