[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
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(2022)
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast