*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
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Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
How funny!
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.