Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”