Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
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ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Still laughing at this stupid meme
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I believe the plural is “milves.”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?