[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
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I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Story of my life…..
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?