[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
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Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.