My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
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If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.