me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
You Might Also Like
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
You better watch out
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.