man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.