9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
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occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Tremendous stuff
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.