My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
You Might Also Like
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.