detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
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genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
This made me chuckle.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther