kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
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Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Happy Taco Tuesday