60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
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quarantine day 3
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
A roof is a house hat.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?