Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Well, shit
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 馃グ馃グ馃グ
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don鈥檛 say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
consequences, the bane of my existence
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.