Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
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Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
“A little help here, Danny?”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol